Saturday, October 16, 2010

What Have I Become?

Motherhood was a terror I never wanted to least I thought this when I was a teenager. Okay, I continued to think this well into my 20's. Was I selfish? No, more like scared out of hell.

Those conniving, ready to trap you in a lie with their cunning and calculative double speak. Yes, I was a bit of a punk growing up. My sisters were very much alike but no, I had to like loud music and "weird" clothes. I was often asked by my siblings, "Why do you have to be so, so.....weird." I like weird. My mother never liked or could accept the fact that I liked to be alone. Alone in my room....listening to music, scribbling in my journal giving the world my share of "whatever." I was totally goth and was once asked, "Why do you walk around like everyday is the worse day of your life?" To which I replied, "Maybe because you're in it." Mean, I know.

I've been doing the mother thing for almost two years. Yes I'm happy and my daughter is the most precious person in my life. I have come to the realization that I'm one of those "mothers." It has become proven to me while making 4 sets of costumes for Halloween this year. I didn't know why I did it, especially since she won't remember a thing. I don't even know how to sew decently but I made fake hot dogs for my husband's butcher costume. I spent many a late night getting my fingers pricked so we could look swell on Halloween, I even made a costume for my daughter's stuffed monkey.

I cook, I clean, I do laundry, skip showering, rub tummies, sing songs made for children (some of which I actually like), read the same books over and over again, listen for breathing during the night, put on a happy face when I feel like crap, clean up poop in places that really shouldn't have poop and go on to eat lunch. I'm a freaking MOTHER. I will make mistakes and all I can do is hope for the best.

All of this talk of knowing when I was 17 that I did not want to be a mother is laughable to me now. All that time spent asking myself, "Am I cool enough?" is now replaced with, "Hmm, maybe I should make time for a shower," and "Laundry is stupid." In fact, laundry has always stupid. It seemed like it took a long time for my family to accept that I was a teeny bit different only to reveal that I'm not. I know I'll be paying for it when a tiny someone hits those formative years and I'll be able to watch my teens all over high def.

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