Friday, March 25, 2011

Mortality On the Brain....

Nope, I don't think the end of the world is going to happen tomorrow.....I just checked, Australia seems to be doing just fine.

I've had mortality on the brain this past week. My amazing super Gramma had open heart surgery on Tuesday. I talked about it with her this past Sunday, here's how
it went.

(Ring ring ring)

Gramma: Hallo?
Me: Gramma!
Gramma: Hi mija! What are you doing?
Me: I'm washing the dishes (I usually like to talk to people on the phone while I do dishes, it makes this awful process so much easier). What are you doing?
Gramma: Did you hear my news? Who told you?
Me: Yeah, I heard. (I hear shuffling like a broom sweeping a floor). Gramma are you cleaning?
Gramma: Yeah, I'm getting the house ready for when your aunt gets here, so she won't have to do too much. I'll have everything ready and I have my bills in order too.
Me: (That "bills in order" thing freaked me out). Don't you have any doctor's orders to rest?
Gramma: What? It's just a little bit, I'm almost done.
Me: So Gramma, what they're doing is just a test or more?
Gramma: First they're going to put a tube in me and see how blocked the valve is by putting ink in it. If it's bad then they will do open heart. Mija, how are they going to do the surgery on my heart if they have to do that? I hope they don't have to do that, I don't want them to break my ribs.
Me: (Doing my best to keep cool) Well Gramma, they're going to have a machine that will act as your heart and pump the blood for you. They'll have to break your ribs to get to your heart Gram, it's the only way for you to get better. These doctors do open heart surgery all the time and you're only getting one valve done. There have been people who have all of them done and turn out okay. Don't worry, you're going to be fine.
Gramma: Yeah, okay. I better get back so I can finish. Your aunt is taking me to the hospital early. Your sister and your mom will be there, you can call them. Or maybe you can get a tex mex from your sister.
Me: Okay Gramma. Don't worry, God will take care of you.
Gramma: I know. Bye mija!
Me: Bye Gramma.

And yes, I totally cry after I hang up. For the most part, my Gramma is tough as nails. For a split second she sounded worried but brushed it off quickly. And as I stated in the beginning of this, she did end up having to get open heart surgery but she is fine and is recovering quite well.

My sister did an amazing job with updates by text and the wait in between "Gramma is getting ready to go" and "Gram is out. Everything's good" was agonizing. I hoped and prayed for the best but there was this nagging tiny voice in the back of my head saying, "Can you leave in a moment's notice if you had to?" I looked up airfare and rental car pricing. I looked at our budget....even contemplated asking Mechanic Hubby what his company stance was on bereavement leave. Did they count Grandmothers in Law? Did it really matter. I was thinking about the amazing things my Gramma did in her life...kind of preparing for a eulogy. I don't know why I was robotically getting this ready in the outskirts of my mind instead of just sticking to my confident message that I knew that she would be fine and she would be able to put down "heart" on the list of surgeries she's had in her life, 14 including this one. Once I shook out of the downer daze I was in, I have this child like mentality going on in my head like, "My Gramma is going to live forever!" After that, I put the breaks on the "planning."

Thankfully, I won't have to plan for that for a really, really long time; I'd probably be a sobbing mess anyway.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I Have To Do Something....

I have a two year old. She's spunky and energetic and I hope she stays that way. I've noticed that since January, she has been pulling on my shirt to get up and play or dance with her. I think she's come to the realization that her mother is a couch potato and does her darndest to get her Mom off the couch.

I'll read with her (on the couch). I'll sing songs and play guitar (on the couch). I'll color with her on the coffee table (while sitting on the couch). I don't think that will cut it for her anymore. We'll go outside sometimes and then I'll be out of breath much sooner than my daughter would like. I'm sure Baby Sagittarius doesn't want her Mom to just watch her run around.

I have a whole lot of "I used to's" floating around in my head. I used to run track, I used to play softball, I used to be a fast runner, I used to, used to, used to has changed. I don't do those things anymore and "I used to" be really, really good at all those things.

I just needed a wake up call. I'm lucky that I don't have anyone being brutally honest about my weight and appearance at home. My friends and family are lovely but I just needed someone to slap me and tell me to do something. It happened in a dream. I know, it's not real but shook me to my core nonetheless. I had a dream that I was in Los Angeles visiting family along with my sisters. My awesome cousins wanted to take us to an art show and I was so excited. My eldest sister in my dream said that I wasn't allowed to go because I would embarrass her and everyone else with my appearance. I know that in real life, my sister is very sweet and very encouraging and would never, ever tell me those things. If anything she might ask me about my knowledge on art. But either way, I woke up and decided I need to do something.

Today, after Sesame Street when my daughter skipped off the couch and pulled on my shirt, I got up and we danced. We ran around the house and sang our favorite songs. She was laughing, bemused at the fact that Mom didn't give her something to entertain herself with. I don't have a goal, I don't have a number to reach, I just want to change my "used to's" to "can do's."