I'm three weeks away from changing our family dynamic that has been that of a family of 3 for a little over four years.
I'm not good with anticipation.
I want to see this baby that has been so very active squishing my insides. I look at my ultrasound pictures that don't provide too much, being how now the pictures are 2 months old. I feel like she is ten pounds and three feet long. Who knows, my first kid was almost nine pounds so it's very possible. She probably won't be three feet long at birth though.
I also want to know how my daughter will feel about her sister. Will she like her or wait around for the new baby to go back from where she came from. She often says, "Oh, that baby is so cute!" when she sees a baby but that baby never comes home with us. These kind of thoughts often cloud my mind. I keep thinking that I have to be able to split my time equally between the two. Then realize that yes, a baby will take up more time and need more attention than my four year old. I have to keep the four year old involved with everything I'm doing. She needs to know that her Mom knows that she can be a big girl helper. She's been really good about picking up anything I drop (I've been so clumsy lately), taking herself to the bathroom and helping me push the laundry basket to the washer and unloading the clothes from the dryer. She picks up her toys (after asking more than once) and goes down to bed very easily. I need to be able to make time for her when baby girl is napping, without feeling too exhausted myself.
I'm doing what I can to prepare for baby girl's arrival by constantly cleaning, making freezer meals and will pack my suitcase for the hospital soon. Yes, I need a suitcase because I'm getting a repeat C-Section so that's at least 3 - 4 days in the hospital. Nesting has been going on for over a week and I just want to throw everything in my house away. I feel like we have too much clutter, maybe I've watched too many episodes of Hoarders. Usually my day comes to an end once my ankles are utterly swollen and sometimes I'll just keep plugging away because there's always something to be done.
I've been short tempered, tired, sore and all the other things pregnant ladies complain about, especially in these last few weeks. I don't know how my husband puts up with me but he does. I always feel bad after a preggy rage and wish I could be better at controlling my emotions, the poor guy is an amazing husband and father. I'm sure he's counting down too. I hate my accidental naps and feeling tired. I think I've gotten sick about four times during this pregnancy and I forget every time what medicine is safe for me to take. I hate the anxiety I feel when I approach the scale at my prenatal appointments. Four weeks ago I gained five pounds in two weeks and my doctor looked at me and said, "What happened? How did you gain so much? What were you eating?" Yup, I felt like a blob of crap. Lady doctors can be so cruel but it's true, what did I eat? Oh yeah, everything.
Once I have baby girl I hope I get back to normal, that my older daughter loves her, my husband will feel less attacked and that we will be alright with things being a little crazy. I just wish I could see her face and count fingers and toes.
Three weeks from today at about 7:40am I'll have a baby girl, I wish it were tomorrow.